Thursday, April 03, 2014

Relationship Tips: Strap on the Shock Collar

So.  The long-distance relationship for (maybe more than?) 6 months, that I knew would test me and try us and SUCK?  It does. He's off having new adventures, meeting new people. Which I love. I want him to live live at the edge, fully.  I'm at home.  (Meeting new people, because that's how I roll, but still.  It's all in the security of home.)

I don't recommend it, this long-distance trial.  Except?  For the fact that it's brought up all kinds of my stuff that I need to deal with. As the boyfriend noted from a piece that hits me in my soft, vulnerable underbelly:  "A partner who challenges you is someone who can bring you directly to the highest aspect of yourself. They will directly show you where all of the hidden shadows and aspects of yourself you are running away from so that they can be liberated from the illusions and false beliefs that lie dormant inside of you." (Monica Loren)

In The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer writes about constantly going "beyond."  "When you constantly go beyond yourself, there are no more limitations. ... Limitations and boundaries only exist at the places where you stop going beyond. If you never stop, then you go beyond boundaries, beyond limitations, beyond the sense of a restricted self."

Singer offers the metaphor of a dog in a shock collar, bound to a yard by an invisible electric fence.  If, instead of running away in fear from the pain of the shock, the dog can ever so slowly build tolerance to the discomfort, sit in the amount of pain, she can eventually inch forward, break through, and be free.

I say "she", because I am the dog.

... "To go beyond, you must keep going past the limits that you put on things. This requires changes at the core of your being. Right now you are using your analytical mind to break the world up into individual thought objects. You are then using the same mind to put these discrete thoughts together in a defined relationship to each other. You do this as an attempt to feel a semblance of control. This is seen mostly clearly in your constant attempt to make the unknown known. ...(examples of daily if this, then that - 'Jennifer will want to go on a hike with me on my day off.  And if I need another day off, Tom won't mind covering for me, after all, I covered for him....)  You have it all figured out."

(Stop writing directly to me, Michael A. Singer. It's awkward for your other readers to feel left out.)

"You know how everything is supposed to be, even the future. Your views, your opinions, your preferences, your concepts, your goals, and your beliefs are all ways of bringing the infinite universe down to the finite where you can feel a sense of control. Since the analytical mind cannot handle the infinite, you created an alternate reality of finite thoughts that can remain fixed within your mind. This mental model has become your reality. You must now struggle day and night to make the world fit your model, and you label everything that doesn't fit as wrong, bad, or unfair."

..."In order to truly go beyond your model, you must first understand why you built it. The easiest way to understand this is to study what happens when the model doesn't work. (Gives examples of building your world on a model predicated upon another person's behavior or the permanence of a relationship - and that rug is pulled out from under you.)  "Once you've had an experience like that, and most people have, you realize that the model you've built is tenuous, at best. ... What you experience when this happens is one of the most important learning experiences of your life. You come face-to-face with what made you build the model."


He ended the previous chapter about the walls we erect that keep us from seeing the light of the infinite with:

"True freedom is very close, it's just on the other side of your walls.  Enlightenment is a very special thing. But in truth, one should not focus on it. Focus, instead, on the walls of your own making that are blocking the light. Of what purpose is it to build walls that block the light and then strive for enlightenment? You can get out simply by letting everyday life take down the walls you hold around yourself. You simply don't participate in supporting,  maintaining, and defending your fortress.

"Imagine your house of thoughts standing in the middle of an ocean of light from a trillion stars. Imagine your awareness trapped inside the darkness of that house, struggling daily to live off the artificial light of your limited experiences. Now imagine the walls crumbling down, and the effortless release of consciousness expanding into the brilliance of what is and always was. Now give that experience a name -- enlightenment."

What I most appreciate about this book, is the practical advice.  Now, when I sense my heart beating fast, my chest tightening, I can stop. Envision the dog sitting on the edge of the yard, bearing the discomfort.  I can breathe into the moment, knowing these are emotions, that, just like when I feel wildly elated, will pass.  "Your cage is just like this. When you approach the edges you feel insecurity, jealousy, fear, or self-consciousness. You pull back, and if you are like most people, you stop trying."  (It feels it would be easier to just be single.)  "Spirituality begins when you decide that you'll never stop trying. Spirituality is the commitment to go beyond, no matter what it takes.  If you're truly going beyond, you are always at your limits. You're never back in the comfort zone. A spiritual being feels as though they are always against that edge, and they are constantly being pushed through it. ... You end up loving your edges because they point your way to freedom."

I can't say I love those edges, just yet.  But I know I'm in the right place, in the unknown, when I feel the shock collar activate, and know it's time to relax, hold the unknown in an open hand, rather than try to grasp and analyze.  To lean in to that discomfort.  Because eventually?  That's the path to freedom.



(Photo credit: Embracing the Unknown)

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