Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Through the window of my mind

Through my window, originally uploaded by ILoveDoodle.
I'm feeling — stuck. I'm letting voices in my head panic about the fact that I'm 35 and seem to have no marketable skills for today's society. In response to my moping about the current, grim job market, my friend emailed: You haven't had the luck you deserve with work, but you're talented and special, and look at the amazing adventures you've had along the way.

I needed to read that, to remember that I've enjoyed and learned from my adventures, good and bad. And that this period of unemployment and a limited social circle is another sort of adventure. Today as I waited for the bus, standing in the cold, spitting rain that seemed so Oregon, in a bad way, mean rain that blows sideways in the wind that threatens my umbrella, I thought once again how much I dislike my life right now.

And then it clicked. I'm enjoying being miserable. I must be, since I keep letting those thoughts swirl around my mind. And realized that I, at that exact moment, could ignore the mindfulness and awake-awareness that just happened and wallow a bit more in how disgruntled I am. Or, I could try to change my thinking. I've been so panicked that my life is going to be small, uneventful and boring. And then I realized, of course it will, if that's all I'm thinking about.

So it's time to pay attention. To catch and change my thoughts. I can't change this damp, bone-chilling weather, but I can appreciate that the white lights in the shop window glow a bit brighter because it's so grey. I can't change the fact that the people on the bus are crazy. Crazier than L.A. bus riders, but I can silently sing "the freaks on the bus go round and round" and make up stories for them, and maybe even try to empathize that they are just a wee bit emotionally out of touch and unaware, as I have been the last few weeks. I can't change the fact that jobs I'm applying for are not responding to my resume, but I can write more, read more inspiring writing, and GET OUT to meet more people. Life is what I think it is.

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