I'd forgotten that homesickness actually feels like you're sick. It's a heartsick, gut-sick feeling. My walls are thin and I'm positive my lovely neighbor Lena is terrified to visit me, or is preparing a care-package to leave at my door with tissues and prozac. Mornings seem to be the hardest for me. I wake to emails written by friends who are nine hours behind in time, and something is triggered in my tear ducts. That I'm missing out on so much of their lives. My best friend is having a baby soon, and there is nothing I want more than to fly back to be there to meet this little girl the moment she arrives.
Reading Anam Cara this morning with my breakfast and Nescafe coffee, I opened it to a section about contradiction. Have something to teach me, Universe? John O'Donohue writes:
"We need to have greater patience with our sense of inner contradiction in order to allow its different dimensions to come into conversation within us. There is a secret light and vital energy in contradiction. Where there is energy there is life and growth. Your ascetic solitude will allow your contradictions to emerge with clarity and force. If you remain faithful to this energy, you will gradually come to participate in a harmony that lies deeper than any contradiction. This will give you new courage to engage the depth, danger, and darkness of your life."So, this morning, instead of turning on an episode of Gilmore Girls to escape, I'm going to try a guided meditation, to try to remain faithful to the energy of contradiction, when all I want to do is run away from it. It's too early to start drinking, so meditation it is.