Thursday, February 01, 2007

Hummer of Death

Hitchhikers beware, let this Hummer pass by. Whether you fear the carbon emissions, the laughably low gas mileage, or the petite blonde barely able to see over the steering wheel of her H2, designed for war, hummers are scary.

Yesterday I saw one such monstrosity parked in Pasadena, proudly announcing what it is: a machine of death. The entire vehicle was an advertisement for autopsies. The hood announced the phone number/website – The back window did not allow anyone to see out or in (one can only hope it is not because services are performed on-site), but was covered in information and a picture of three doctors hovering over a body on a bed.

  • Private autopsies
  • Forensic Autopsies
  • Toxicology & Serology
  • Medical Photography
  • DNA (Paternity) Analysis

And, of course, since we are in Southern California, an icon of a film camera stating: “Prod. (T.V., Movie) Consultant.

When I looked up the company on the web, I found that their mission statement is: “Mortuis Paresdium Et Vocem Dare Necessee Est - The Deceased Must be Protected and Given a Voice.” A good sentiment, but does the tank they drive advance that dark day?

Lest you worry that I am heartlessly mocking a group of well-intentioned folk who do what many of us dare not, please check out their gift catalog. It offers a SKULL CAP with 1-800-AUTOPSY emblazoned on the front and back, as well as a traditional scrub shirt with the company logo right above the heart. Do I need to mention the coffin case or the brain gelatin mold? The “glow skull magnet” suggests their sense of humor as they advise you “use this for your grave memos… this 2” plastic skull is realistically detailed and glows.”

Though you might miss all this info when the hummer blows by you at 75 mph, it would be hard to miss the piece de resistance: a toe tag on the passenger’s side door, inscribed “El Muerto.”

1 comment:

Limo said...

I think that Hammer is not such awful car.
Quite the contrary it the convenient, powerful and reliable car that can get you anywhere you want.